


Defenceless

by vlvtfireside



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Comfort/Angst, Coming Out, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Falling In Love, Family Issues, Heavy Angst, Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, One-Sided Attraction, Sad Ending, Self-Discovery, Self-Doubt, Temporarily Unrequited Love, Unrequited Crush, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-18
Updated: 2021-01-18
Packaged: 2021-03-16 00:27:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,240
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28822212
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vlvtfireside/pseuds/vlvtfireside
Summary: "Maybe one day he’d truly be happy.Maybe one day he’d be able to get away from his family.Maybe one day he’d become professional volleyball player.Maybe one day he’d find someone that would truly love him."
Relationships: Hanamaki Takahiro/Matsukawa Issei, Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru, Iwaizumi Hajime/Semi Eita
Comments: 4
Kudos: 35





	Defenceless

**Author's Note:**

> umm okay this fanfic was not planned... i only had one scene in mind and started writing because of that but ended up not even writing that part and i got this in result...  
> but anyways, thanks to *deep breath* arabelle, yue, maria, luc, faye and misa for keeping up with me while i was ranting and sending some parts in groupchat while writing mwah love you all <33  
> also title is lowkey stolen from Louis Tomlinson because 1) i love him and 2) his song - defenceless - really fits oikawa  
> i tried to make this as angsty as possible,,, enjoy i guess? hehe but TW for homophobia !! it gets even worse in the middle.

Oikawa always doubted every little thing about himself.

He always doubted if he was good enough, he always doubted if his skills in volleyball were enough, he always doubted if he was doing well enough at school, he always doubted if he was good enough to be captain of the volleyball team, he always doubted if he was worthy of having best friend like Iwaizumi by his side since he was a child.

Those thoughts were what kept him awake at night, staring up at the ceiling of his bedroom till his mind started shutting off and those thoughts were why he always kept pushing himself to be the best – he wanted to prove himself to others but most importantly, he wanted to prove that he was worth of having everything he has to _himself._

But there was one thing he never doubted, not that he even had a time to think about it, that was his sexuality. He knew everyone around him went through that but Oikawa never did, he was way too dedicated to being the best to even have time to think about it.

However, he was sure he was attracted to girls. He even had few girlfriends but their relationship never worked out, simply because how much time Oikawa spent practicing or being with Iwaizumi – not that he had problem with that, he didn’t really care about it as long as he didn’t hurt girl’s feelings too much.

Other than that, he was always taught at home that man being attracted to someone who is not a woman and woman being attracted to someone who is not a man is wrong and that is a sin, that they were just going through a phase and sooner or later they’d finally get over and figure out that the only right way to live is to get married to woman if you’re a man and if you’re a man – to get married to a woman. And for the longest time he believed that.

He also believed that any person who thought that they weren’t attracted to opposite gender, they were going to hell. Maybe other than not having the time, that was another reason why Oikawa never doubted his attraction towards girls. Because if he figured out that he was attracted to someone who was not a woman, he didn’t even want to think what mess that would cause in his life.

So, for the longest time he believed his parents words because why wouldn’t he? He trusted them more than he trusted anyone else. Even when he heard at school that someone came out, he didn’t directly say anything but he always muttered under his breath that sooner or later, they would figure out that they were a wrong and that they would “choose the right path” – whatever that meant, it was something he always heard from his parents when they were discussing that subject with disgusted looks on their faces.

He always noticed some weird look in Iwaizumi’s eyes because of those words, it was almost like he always got hurt because of Oikawa’s words, but whenever Oikawa asked him about it, Iwaizumi always shook it off and told him that he was imagining things. And Oikawa always let it slide, because even if he tried to make Iwaizumi say something, it wouldn’t work – he knew that very well thanks to their god knows how long friendship. Plus, why would Oikawa’s words hurt him? Oikawa was right and Iwaizumi wasn’t like those people… right? He couldn’t be. Even if he was, he would tell Oikawa and Oikawa, being the good friend he is, would help him realize that he’s just confused and it’s just a phase. He definitely would.

“Oikawa, are you here?! If you’re not listening then I won’t waste my time explaining the easiest part of our physics homework!” – Oikawa was dragged out from his thoughts by Iwaizumi’s voice and his friend pinching his bicep. Oikawa let out a small yelp and moved further from Iwaizumi on the floor. Green-eyed boy rolled his eyes and started closing his books when Oikawa realized that Iwaizumi really meant what he said and Oikawa wanted everything but to fail in his physics exam and not make it to last year of high school.

“Okay, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I promise I’ll pay attention this time. You don’t want to go through last year of high school without me, your best friend, do you?” – Oikawa placed his hands over Iwaizumi’s to stop him and grinned.

“I think I might actually consider making you fail that exam on purpose so I can be free from you.” – Iwaizumi said with fake smile on his face and Oikawa rolled his eyes, knowing his friend was joking but there was little bit of seriousness in his voice as well which really scared Oikawa but decided to ignore it, saying in his mind that he was probably overthinking. Oikawa pouted and crossed his arms in front of his chest, trying to make Iwaizumi believe that he was angry at him, which he wasn’t – he just wanted attention. Iwaizumi closed his eyes while taking deep breath and suddenly yanked Oikawa close to him, almost making him fall down on wooden floor.

“Ow! So, mean, Iwa-chan!” – Oikawa whined and caressed his arm, not that it was hurting, he was just being his bratty self. Iwaizumi slightly slapped the back of Oikawa’s head and then took the pen that was somewhere between his books, ignoring Oikawa complaining next to him about how brutal Iwaizumi was being. After few seconds, when Oikawa finally stopped whining, Iwaizumi pointed something in the book and started explaining again, also promising himself that if Oikawa still didn’t let what Iwaizumi was telling him get in his head, he would just close the books and leave him trying to figure it out on his own.

“Wait, I don’t get this part.” – Iwaizumi was relieved when Oikawa suddenly interrupted and pointed at one paragraph in the book, it meant that he was actually listening and that he wasn’t floating somewhere in his thoughts. Iwaizumi nodded and he was going to start explaining it the easiest way possible when his phone screen suddenly lighted up. Oikawa has never seen Iwaizumi get this excited about getting a message, he actually always hated when someone was texting him, he always preferred phone calls while Oikawa was the other way around – he was always getting too anxious while talking on phone.

“Who are you texting?” – Oikawa asked few seconds after Iwaizumi still didn’t pay attention to him and tried to take the phone from his hands but Iwaizumi grabbed both of his wrists with his left hand while continuing texting with right one.

“Go back to your homework, it won’t be done by itself.” – Iwaizumi said while smiling at his phone which pissed Oikawa off even more.

“You know I can’t understand it by myself, that’s why you’re here. Who are you texting anyways, do you have a girlfriend I don’t know about?” – Oikawa whined out, again, and tried to free himself from Iwaizumi but failed. Iwaizumi didn’t answer, he continued reading whatever another person texted him with still smile on his face and Oikawa noticed how his cheeks started to flush a little bit which confused him even more. Finally, Iwaizumi let Oikawa go and placed his phone on the floor again, turning his head to look at Oikawa who was pouting at him. – “What are you hiding from me?”

“I’m not hiding anything, and stop pouting or I’ll punch you, you know it pisses me off.” – Iwaizumi said and he was about to write something in Oikawa’s book when brown-haired boy suddenly jumped up from where he was sitting, and before Iwaizumi could react, he placed his hands-on Iwaizumi’s shoulders and pushed him back, making him lie down on the floor with his back while pinning his hands above his head. But things got even worse when Oikawa sat down on him, literally, and put his left hand on Iwaizumi’s stomach while still holding his wrists locked together above his head with his right hand. Iwaizumi tried to not make his quick breath too noticeable as he felt Oikawa’s weight on his lower half. – “What the hell?! Get off me, you idiot!”

“Tell me what you’re hiding first!”  
“I’m not hiding anything what are yo-“

“What is going on here?!” – Iwaizumi’s sentence was cut off as soon as the door of Oikawa’s room opened and boys saw his mom standing in behind it, looking at them with shocked and maybe even angry expression and Iwaizumi realized right away why she had that reaction but Oikawa being Oikawa he is, didn’t pay attention to it.

“He’s not telling me who he’s dating.” – He whined out.

“I don’t care, get off him and never get that close to him or any other boy ever again, do you get it?!” – She asked with firm voice and that was when it hit Oikawa why she had that reaction. His eyes suddenly widened and he quickly got off Iwaizumi while explaining what happened and that it was not what it looked like. She didn’t say anything else, just looked over at Iwaizumi like he committed a crime and then left the room. Oikawa turned around to say something to Iwaizumi who just raised his hand to stop him and shook his head.

“Just drop it. Let me explain this part and then I have to go.” – Iwaizumi said coldly and Oikawa nodded, looking down on the floor to avoid making eye contact with him.

“Also, did you know that boy in our next class, Haruki is his name if I remember correctly, apparently is gay? Gross, don’t you think? He’ll probably realize soon that it’s just a phase. Or his parents will help him by fixing him.” – Oikawa said like it was nothing and leaned forward to look at Iwaizumi who was putting his books in his bags – “Are you listening?”

“Why do you care? Like, why do you care if he’s gay? What does it have to do with you?” – Suddenly, Iwaizumi exploded and looked at Oikawa was angry look in his eyes, almost scaring him. He was tired of hearing that kind of sentences fly out from Oikawa’s mouth for as long as he could remember like it was not affecting Iwaizumi. For god’s sake, he was seeing a boy, he was _dating_ a boy, he was one of the people that Oikawa hated the most for the reason Iwaizumi was sure even Oikawa didn’t know. He was tired of hearing such hateful comments from the person he knew since he was a child and now, he couldn’t even tell him that he was gay and he was slowly falling for Semi Eita because Oikawa would be everything but supportive and say something like “you’re confused” or “it’s just a phase”. Oikawa opened his mouth to answer but Iwaizumi interrupted, getting up quickly while putting the last book in the bag. – “It has nothing to do with you, Oikawa. It’s his life and nothing is wrong with him that needs to be fixed. You always say that you don’t have time for anything, but how is that true if you have time to gossip about who loves who when it’s none of your business?! It’s funny how you’re the one talking about who is gay and who is not when you’re the one who never openly shows interest in girls, right?!”

“What the hell?! Don’t say that ever again!” – Oikawa said with firm voice and jumped up on his feet as well, causing Iwaizumi to click his tongue and shake his head angrily.

“Whatever, but maybe you should start thinking about what you’re saying and how it can affect people, even if you’re not able to see it.” – Iwaizumi said and threw his bag on his shoulder, walking past Oikawa, suddenly wanting to be as far as he could possibly be from him. But before leaving the room, he looked at him over his shoulder and chuckled bitterly. – “Oh, and Oikawa? Never do what you did few minutes ago before your mom walked in. You don’t want other people to think you’re gay and need to be fixed, do you?!”

After that, Iwaizumi wasn’t talking to him. He avoided Oikawa when he saw him outside the house, at school in classes, during practices, whenever the whole team decided to hang out after practice and everyone noticed it, being as confused as Oikawa because of Iwaizumi’s sudden coldness – well, everyone except Matsukawa and Hanamaki who already knew what Iwaizumi was hiding from Oikawa. Oikawa tried to talk to him multiple times but Iwaizumi acted like he wasn’t even there and it hurt Oikawa that he was acting like this because he wanted his friend back, he knew it had something to do with everything he said before Iwaizumi left his house that day but he couldn’t understand what and why.

“Since when did they get so close with each other?” – Yahaba asked and pointed at the other side of the court. He and Oikawa were sitting on the bench, waiting for everyone to get ready for their practice match against Shiratorizawa. Oikawa looked up and looked where Yahaba was pointing at, suddenly freezing on the spot as he saw Iwaizumi and gray-haired setter sitting on bench as well, Semi having is hand on Iwaizumi’s thigh as he covered his ear with another one – whispering something to Iwaizumi that made green-eyed boy blush and giggle a little bit. But no one was actually paying attention to them, they were all either stretching or talking to each other, they didn’t care that they were so close with each other. Oikawa shrugged without dropping his gaze from them, hearing Yahaba sigh and get up after coach called his name. Then he tapped Oikawa’s shoulder and spoke.

“I have no idea what happened between you to, but it’ll be best if you fix it as soon as you can. I don’t know if you noticed or not, but it really affected the team.” – Yahaba said and walked away, causing Oikawa to break eye contact with Semi and look at him with shocked face. Yahaba was right, Oikawa noticed that team wasn’t as strong as they were before Oikawa and Iwaizumi stopped talking. He would go to Iwaizumi’s house today and force him to tell him what was going on if that was what it took.

“We’re going to start match soon, or did you decide to play on their side?” – Oikawa said when he walked to Iwaizumi and Semi, causing his friend to roll his eyes. He whispered something in Semi’s ear that Oikawa couldn’t quite make up because of the sounds of balls hitting the gym floor and after Semi nodded, Iwaizumi got up and walked past Oikawa without even looking at him.

Of course, they lost the match. Not that it actually surprised anyone in team, Oikawa’s tosses were off and so were Iwaizumi’s spikes. But both of them refused to figure out how to fix it together like they always did before they fought. Before they left Aoba Johsai, Oikawa sent Ushijima cold glare while Iwaizumi smiled softly at Semi, causing Oikawa to cross his arms in front of his chest and roll his eyes while Hanamaki nudged him in the ribs.

“I’m home.” – Oikawa said loudly while taking off his shoes and closed the door behind him. He dropped the bag on the floor and went straight to the kitchen, knowing that his mom would be there because she was having day off from work today. He opened his mouth to ask how she was doing but he froze on the spot as soon as he saw her face. – “Is everything okay?”

“I heard something, Tooru, and I need you to be honest with me when I ask you the question.” – Oikawa started thinking about everything wrong he did in life but it was not anything that could’ve gotten his mother so angry…

“W-what is it?” – Oikawa said and leaned on the table with his palms.

“Is Hajime… gay?” – She whispered out the last word like it was a curse, she said it bitterly. Oikawa opened his mouth to deny it straight away but suddenly he remembered how he blushed and how quick his breath got when Oikawa pinned him on the floor sat down on him, how angry he got when Oikawa said what he said about Haruki, and how close he and Semi were during practice today… But it wasn’t like that, was it? – “Because if he is… I don’t want you hanging out with him anymore… I don’t want him to make you believe you’re like them when I didn’t raise you that way…”

“No. What? Why are you even saying that? What even made you think he is?” – Oikawa interrupted and tried to not make his shaky voice to noticeable. Last thing he wanted was to his mother to think that about Hajime, not when she was so wrong about it.

“Around half an hour ago, I was looking out from the window and I saw him and some boy walking towards his house, another boy had his arm wrapped around Hajime and when they stopped in front of his house, the boy with ash-blond hair leaned in to kiss him probably but Hajime saw that I was looking and stopped him right away… Then he told him something and quickly walked in the house.” – She finished talking and leaned back against the sink in front of Oikawa while looking at him. He knew that another boy was Semi, as soon as Shiratorizawa left the practice, so did Iwaizumi – he said he had something to do at home and couldn’t help them clean the gym today. Oikawa scratched the back of his head awkwardly and looked up at his mom who was still waiting for an answer.

“It’s probably some misunderstanding, I was actually planning seeing him today, we haven’t hung out together outside school these past days, both of us were too busy.” – Oikawa said and before she could ask anything else, he walked out from kitchen, put back his shoes on quickly and closed the door behind him, walking towards Iwaizumi’s house.

“Ever heard of knocking?” – Iwaizumi said annoyed voice as soon as he saw Oikawa storming in his room. Like always, he was sitting on the floor, books and notebooks covering the entire carpet around him. – “I don’t have time for your stupid alien theories, tell me if it’s something serious, if it’s not you can-“

“Are you gay?” – Oikawa interrupted, causing Iwaizumi to freeze where he was sitting. After that, none of them were saying anything for few minutes, not till Iwaizumi let out a bitter chuckle while dropping his pencil on the floor and getting up to look at Oikawa in the eyes.

“And what if I am?” – Iwaizumi said with calm voice but he felt how his heart was about to jump out from his chest. He saw how Oikawa’s eyes widened, how he opened his mouth to say something but closed it right away, not believing his own ears. – “No, Oikawa, I’m not lying to you before you ask me that. I like men the way I’m supposed to feel about women and no, I did not choose this and no, this is not a phase.”

“B-but you had multiple girlfriends! You even had one two months ago.”

“And why do you think I broke up with her? Because I wanted to break her heart? No, I just don’t feel that way towards girls, I don’t like them the way you do. I can’t see myself kissing girls, or having a girlfriend or getting married to a girl, but I can see myself being with a boy. I am with one, I’ll tell you that too because you already know everything.” – Iwaizumi said with low voice and sat down on the edge of the bed, trying to not look in Oikawa’s eyes. He didn’t want to see the hatred and disgust he knew he would see in Oikawa’s eyes if he looked at him. But Oikawa didn’t feel hatred or disgust towards Iwaizumi, he thought he would but he didn’t, he was just confused. He knew he would never be able to hate Iwaizumi, even if he was gay… he didn’t know why it was like this. But it just was. – “Aren’t you going to say anything? That’s living this way is wrong? That I need to be fixed? That I shouldn’t be dating a boy? Or that you probably don’t want to see me again in your life? Something similar to everything you said about everyone that came out at school?”

“Are you happy?” – This was all Oikawa asked, causing Iwaizumi to quickly look up at him.

“What?”

“Are you happy with Semi?” – Oikawa repeated, walking closer to Iwaizumi. It actually shocked Iwaizumi when he looked in Oikawa’s eyes and he didn’t see what he thought he would, he just saw… fear? Of what? – “Is he worth risking losing everything?”

“Yeah, I’m happy with him and yes, he is worth losing everything.” – Iwaizumi answered and got up, trying to calm himself down as he opened his mouth to continue talking.

“Is he worth risking to lose me?”

“Wha- I don’t have to lose you to be with him, Oikawa. Why would you even say that? You trust me, right? So, please, believe me when I tell you that you just have to realize that what your parents were telling you your whole life is a lie. People like me and Semi are not weird or sinners or whatever they’ve been telling you and what is going on between us is not wrong. It’s _never_ wrong to love someone.” – Despite how hurt Iwaizumi was from everything Oikawa was saying in front of him, he couldn’t blame him. Not fully.

Their families were completely different. While Hajime’s family as accepting and supportive, Tooru’s family was completely opposite. That’s how he was raised, and little kids trust their parents, they believe everything they tell them. Maybe Oikawa wasn’t little kid anymore and he should’ve probably already realized that what his parents were telling him was wrong, but he was naïve and he believed whatever they told him.

“That’s not what I’m asking you.” – Oikawa said with shaky voice and looked down on the floor. – “Would you pick him over me if you had to?”

“Tooru, come on… You know I’d never in million years would be able to answer that question… don’t make me choose between you and him.”

“We both know you have an answer, you always have answer for everything.” – He was right, Iwaizumi had answer to that question but he knew how it would break Oikawa and he didn’t want that. – “Why won’t you answer me? Because you’d choose him? You’d choose him over everyone, including me? Why?”

“Do you want me to be honest with you, Oikawa?” – Suddenly, Iwaizumi felt his blood boiling from anger because of Oikawa asking him why would he choose Semi over him. Because, god, wasn’t it obvious? – “Yes, yes I’d choose him. But not only over you or everything I have; I’d choose him over myself as well. I know what you’re thinking, I can see it in your eyes but you’re not saying it so let me say it for you – you don’t get to tell me that what I’m feeling towards him is not real love or that I’m confused. Because it’s not true and do you know why? Because only I know what I’m feeling and he’s the only guy that I’ve ever loved this much and he’s the only person that made sure I felt loved and comforted after you said all those horrible things about people like me and what makes it even worse is that you know we can’t choose who we fall for! He let me cry on his shoulder because he knew how much it hurt me to not be able to be honest with you, to not be able to tell you something so important about myself! So, yeah, Oikawa I’d choose him, and can you blame me? I’d choose him because he made me feel loved when you didn’t.”

“You told him all of that?” – Semi asked after few minutes of silence. He was leaning against the headboard of Iwaizumi’s bed, while Iwaizumi had his head placed on Semi’s stomach who was softly playing with his hair. Iwaizumi slightly nodded as he continued looking up at the fan on the ceiling and tried to ignore the feeling of guilt and pain in his stomach. – “You knew you didn’t have to do it, right? We talked about it, I’m totally okay with keeping our relationship a secret if you want to.”

“After you flirting with me today during whole match and making me blush? I don’t think I’ll be able to hide it from others anymore.” – Iwaizumi sighed, turning around to lie on his side and look at Semi in the face. – “However, I really did not want Oikawa to find out like this. I wanted to make sure he thought differently about the people like you and me, and then I would tell him when I was ready, because I wanted to, not because his mom saw us almost kiss in front of my house.”

“I’m sorry, it’s my fault. If I didn’t try to kiss you, she wouldn’t see anything and this wouldn’t happen.” – Semi said with apologetic look on his face and Iwaizumi shook his head while taking Semi’s hand in his own and kissed the back of it softly.

“It’s not your fault, don’t blame yourself please.” – Iwaizumi said, causing Semi to take a deep breath but nod anyways. Iwaizumi slightly smiled at him and then closed his eyes, suddenly feeling more tired than he ever did in his life. He felt the warmth of Semi’s hand on his cheek and smiled again without opening his eyes. He was slowly drifting in sleep while Semi continued caressing his cheek when he suddenly spoke up again.

“Can I ask you something?” – He said with low voice and Iwaizumi slowly opened his eyes.

“You already did. Okay, I’m kidding, what is it?”

“What if you catch feelings for him again?” – Semi asked and broke eye contact with Iwaizumi, looking down and started playing with the hem of his shirt. Iwaizumi opened his mouth to answer but closed it right away, sitting up and looking at Semi with shocked face. – “I know you love me, I know that, I’m just worried… You’ve known him for your entire life and you’ve only known me for what? two months? Well, we’ve been known each other since middle school but you know what I mean. We can’t control who we fall for right?”

“I won’t fall for him, not again and not after everything I told him.” – Iwaizumi said firmly. He felt bad for everything he told Oikawa because he knew how scared Oikawa was of people leaving him behind, but Iwaizumi promised him when they were little that if Oikawa asked him anything, he would never lie to him. And he didn’t want to break that promise, but maybe breaking that stupid promise was better than breaking Oikawa’s heart.

“But you were in love with Oikawa since middle school, that’s a long time, how are you so sure that those feelings won’t come back?”

“Feelings fade away, Eita, they just do sometimes. Guess my feelings for Oikawa wasn’t strong enough, and them fading away was the best for me because I didn’t want to be in love with someone who didn’t know but hated me for who I am. And then I met you, we got together and despite everything that was going on with Oikawa, I started to feel happier. I’m happy with you and I don’t plan on falling back for Oikawa again and making myself miserable because I know he will never love me back the way I loved him back then.”

***

It couldn’t be happening. He was just imagining things.

He had lot of time on his hands considering the fact that it was beginning of September and that school wasn’t starting for another week, he didn’t spend lot of time doing homework or practicing because of his injury. And having lot of time always messed with his head.

He wasn’t gay. He couldn’t be.

Not because there was anything wrong with that, everything Iwaizumi told him few months ago when he came out to him helped Oikawa realize that his friend was right – everything his parents were telling him was a lie. There was no right or wrong way to be in love with someone. He knew how much he hurt Iwaizumi and so many people around him because he was so arrogant and refused to accept the fact that parents don’t always tell the truth.

After realizing everything, he went back to Iwaizumi and it took him lot of convincing that he actually changed the way he was thinking about people like Iwaizumi. It also took him apologizing few times for hurting Iwaizumi without even realizing and making him choose between Semi and himself. He felt bad for everything, he really did. And he wasn’t sure if there would be time when he wouldn’t feel bad for it.

Treating people like that for something they didn’t have control over was wrong, the fact that he was raised like that was not an excuse and he knew that.

There was one thing Iwaizumi asked him when Oikawa went to him to apologize two or three days later after he found out everything. He told him that if he wanted for him to forgive and forget everything Oikawa did, all he had to do was to go and apologize to people like Haruki for saying such horrible things about them – it didn’t matter if he said it behind their backs or if he told them directly. Of course, he did, he didn’t even have to be told, he was going to do it anyways – that was the least he could do. He still hated that every time he tried to talk to his parents about it, they never listened. His mom even told him she wouldn’t allow Oikawa to hang out with Iwaizumi till she talked to Hajime’s mom who didn’t know anything about situation, but when Oikawa’s mom told her everything, she went to talk to Iwaizumi and Iwaizumi knew she would be supportive like always, so he came out to her, told her about his relationship with Semi and also explained everything that happened between him and Oikawa. But he asked her if she could hide it from Oikawa’s mom because unlike the time he said to Oikawa, now he knew that nothing and no one was worth of losing his best friend and he wasn’t going to lose him anytime soon.

But now everything was mixed up in Oikawa’s head, he couldn’t understand his own feelings. It all started when he saw dream about Iwaizumi.

Seeing Iwaizumi in his dream was not anything new, it has been happening as long as he could remember. However, kissing his best friend and doing everything couples did together – that was something that never even crossed Oikawa’s mind. Seeing him doing everything he always thought he wanted to do with girl was confusing and he wished he could talk to Iwaizumi about it, but it would be too awkward to tell the person who he has been friends with since childhood, and who also is in a relationship, that Oikawa dreamed about them dating, kissing, having sex – being a couple. It would be too weird.

But more confusing part was that he also still could imagine himself being with a girl. He couldn’t understand what was going on with him. If what he thought was true – if he liked boys that way – what would his parents say if they ever found out? Oikawa never kept anything about him as a secret from his parents, they knew everything about him. He didn’t know if he would be able to hide something so important from them. But if they found out, he’d probably get kicked out from the house. Or he’d be sent to therapy. Or even worse…

He found it ironic how he now thought that he was one of the people he hated only few months ago. He knew people could change – hell, he was good example of it – however, he didn’t think he would change this much.

But that was it – he was not changing; he was just figuring out who he truly was. And it terrified him. Accepting the fact that maybe he wanted to have a relationship with a guy scared him, thinking about the reaction of his friends scared him, thinking about what his sister would say scared him, even _thinking_ about the reaction he _knew_ his parents would have if they ever found out terrified him more than anything.

He knew that if they ever even found out that Oikawa was even thinking about such a thing, they would probably hate him. They’d hate him and Oikawa didn’t want that. He didn’t want to lose his family because since he was a kid, he was taught that person should love a family no matter what – and he did. He didn’t want to lose them. 

What about Iwaizumi? What he would think if he found out? What if he told him that he didn’t believe him? What if he thought that Oikawa was lying? What if he thought that he was faking everything? What if he told him that he was just confused?

Worse – what would he say if he found out about the dreams Oikawa was seeing about him? What would he think about Oikawa after that? What if he thought that Oikawa was jealous of Semi and that he was trying to get in between them? What if he would hate him?

“Tooru, are you okay?” – He was dragged out from his thoughts by his mother’s voice. He slightly jumped in the seat and blinked few times before looking over at the table. His sister was reading something in her phone, his dad was watching the TV that was hung on the wall behind Oikawa and his mom was looking at her with concerned look in her eyes.

“Yeah, yeah, I’m fine. Why are you asking?” – Oikawa cleared his throat and asked.

“You haven’t even touched your food and you’ve been staring at your plate for ten minutes already, are you sure you’re okay?” – She said and placed her hand over his. Oikawa let out a little “oh” and then nodded, repeating that he was fine. A lie.

“Can you turn it off?” – His dad asked few minutes later with disgusted voice. Oikawa looked at him with confused face and when he realized that he had his gaze glued on the screen, he turned around in his seat to see what he was looking at. It was just two guys kissing. Of course, he had such disgusted reaction on that. His mom clicked her tongue in annoyance and took the remote, turning off the TV instead of just changing the channel.

“You know…” – Before Oikawa could stop himself, he scratched the back of his neck and started speaking while leaning on his elbow on the table. – “You know they didn’t choose to be this way, right? I mean… if it was a choice, why would they choose it?”

He saw how his sister tensed when she realized what Oikawa said and he was scared to look over at his mother, he was staring directly to his dad – who seemed angry and confused.

 _“It’s not a choice, Tooru. Why would anyone choose to be in danger of getting killed and why would they choose to be hated? No one would, even if you don’t believe others – believe me when I tell you that me being gay was everything but a choice.”_ – Iwaizumi’s words came back in his mind but he knew he couldn’t answer with this. He had to change it even a little bit. He had no idea why he even decided that it would be good idea to confront his father about this very specific topic. He knew it would not end well. All of them did.

“I- Just forget I even said anything…” – Oikawa said quietly and he wished nothing else than to suddenly disappear from the room. He did want to disappear.

“No, no, go on. I’m interested about what you have to say.” – His dad said firmly and Oikawa felt how his stomach turned and his mouth went dry.

“I mean… why would anyone choose to be hated and killed like that, no sane human being would. That means that being attracted to opposite gender is… not a choice, they didn’t choose it, it’s something they can’t change?” – His answer sounded more like a question and he could feel how panic was growing inside him. He saw how his dad clenched his jaw and he felt how his palms started to sweat, he wanted to get up and walk out from the kitchen, avoid conversation that he started.

“That’s the thing, Oikawa, they’re insane. They’re sick and they need to be fixed. We went over this and I explained all of this multiple times to you, why are you doubting my words?”

“Because I might be one of them. Because I dream about kissing and dating and marrying my best friend – things you always told me I was never supposed to even think about.” – Oikawa thought, but didn’t dare to say anything. He wanted to argue with him, he wanted to say that they were not sick nor that they need to be fixed. But he couldn’t let out a sound. He thought that if he even dared to say a word, his family would somehow know about his thoughts and what he was hiding.

“T-they’re still humans. They don’t deserve to be treated the way they are… they don’t deserve to be treated like they’re abominations that need to be destroyed or fixed or get killed because of something they can’t change…” – Oikawa choked out.

“They’re freaks. They do need to be fixed, Oikawa, and if they refuse, then they deserve to be killed. We don’t need people like them here, not in this country and especially not in this family, got it?” – His father said with cold and firm voice and Oikawa looked how his grip on the handle of his cup tightened. He could feel how tensed his sister was next to him and his mother was looking down on the table, not saying anything.

“Where are you going?” – She only spoke up when Oikawa got up and started walking towards the door. Oikawa slowed down and looked at her over his shoulder, trying to ignore his father looking at him with anger in his eyes.

“To see Takahiro and Issei… I haven’t seen them for a week or two…” – He said with low voice and walked out towards front door before they could say anything else.

As soon as he walked out from the house, he felt like some heavy weight was taken off his shoulders and knot in his stomach disappeared, suddenly he felt like he could breathe properly again. He couldn’t believe he used to think like that, he couldn’t believe he used to say things like that in front of Iwaizumi. He didn’t even want to imagine how horrible he made Iwaizumi and so many other people feel because of his words, he wished he could go back and take those words back, he would do anything for that but he knew that was not possible. He had to live with the consequences that were caused by his actions.

He was deeply in his thoughts and he only came back to reality when he realized that he was standing in front of Hanamaki’s house but he froze on the spot when he saw the scene in front of him.

Hanamaki was sitting on the ground in front of his house, covering his nose with his hand but Oikawa could still see the blood on his palm slowly dripping down on the ground. He could also see small purple bruise on his left eye. Matsukawa was sitting next to him, wiping the blood from his face and cursing something under his breath, hissing in pain because of the cut on his bottom lip. Their clothes were dirty and it looked like someone punched them with their feet. What even happened to them?

“What happened, are you okay?” – Oikawa quickly ran towards them and dropped on his knees in front of Hanamaki, trying to take a better look of his face.

“We’re great, Tooru. Can’t you see?” – Hanamaki said sarcastically and turned his head around, spitting out the blood on the ground. Oikawa let out disgusted sound and helped him up getting on his feet, walking towards the entrance with Matsukawa behind them.

“Who did this?” – Oikawa asked with firm voice after handing Hanamaki the pack of ice to put it on his face. If ten minutes ago he was shaking with fear while talking to his father, now he was shaking from anger because who would even want to do this to a human being. But then he remembered that most people in this town didn’t see person that didn’t fit their ideal heteronormativity as human beings, of course they didn’t. His father made sure to remind that to Oikawa. But still… it didn’t hurt any less to see innocent people getting beaten up like this. Oikawa cursed under his breath and took out his phone. – “I’m going to call Iwaizumi…”

“Don’t. He’s finally spending time with Semi, just leave him be.” – Matsukawa said and as much as Oikawa hated to admit for some weird reason, he was right. Iwaizumi and Semi hasn’t been able to spend much time together these past few weeks. Oikawa sighed and nodded, throwing his phone on the bed and sitting down on bed next to Hanamaki, who was injured more than Matsukawa.

“Let me see.” – Oikawa said softly and placed his hand on Hanamaki’s, removing ice pack from his face and looking at now even more darkened circle to his eye. – “Who was it?”

“I don’t know their names. Some random guys you were friends with few months ago from downtown who just happened to know exactly where me and Issei usually hang out. Not suspicious at all.” – Hanamaki said with bitter voice. Oikawa froze where he was sitting, he could feel Matsukawa looking at him and Hanamaki with shocked face.

“Takahiro, don’t say that…” – Matsukawa managed to break the silence after few minutes and Oikawa tried to say something, to form words in his mouth but he couldn’t. He was too shocked by Hanamaki’s words. He thought he would tell those guys about the spot they always went when they wanted to be alone?

“Y-you think I’d do that to you?” – Oikawa said and moved slightly away from him. He didn’t blame him, he really didn’t. After everything he said moths ago, it wasn’t his place to blame Hanamaki for being scared and angry.

“I don’t know, Oikawa. All I know is that you and Iwaizumi are only ones who know about that place, and your old friends suddenly came there out of nowhere and started beating us up because we were simply just holding hands. There is no way they would know where we were, Iwaizumi wouldn’t say anything about it and-“

“And I wouldn’t either!” – Oikawa yelled out, his voice breaking in the end. He jumped up from the bed and took few steps back, looking at Matsukawa and then back at Hanamaki. Even though he couldn’t blame him, it didn’t mean that realizing his friend still didn’t trust him didn’t hurt. – “What I did months ago and what I said was wrong, very wrong and I regret it. I regret it more than I’ve ever regretted anything in my entire life and I’d do anything to go back and stop myself. I know you believe people can change; you always say they do. So, what can I do to make you believe that I changed?”

As soon as Hanamaki looked up and saw Oikawa’s teary eyes – nothing but honesty in them – he couldn’t help but feel bad. He sighed and dropped the ice pack on the floor, then getting up and walking towards Oikawa who was now playing with the hem of his shirt.

“I’m sorry, Tooru, I shouldn’t have said that. I know you’ve changed but you’ve also been very distant these past days and I couldn’t figure out why. I’m sorry, I know you wouldn’t do that…” – Hanamaki said, getting nothing else than nodding from Oikawa who was thinking if it was worth to tell them about his doubts now. Or would they think he was saying it to get out from the situation? What if they wouldn’t believe him? What if-

“Tooru, are you alright? You look very pale…” – Matsukawa said and got up from chair, walking towards Oikawa and looking at him with concerned look on his face just like Hanamaki. Oikawa suddenly felt how his stomach turned over – again – and how he started trembling. He felt like he was going to throw up right there and then. Before he could stop himself or realize what he was saying, he looked up at them and spoke up with shaky voice.

“I-I think I’m falling in love with Hajime.” – Oikawa choked out, seeing shock flash in Hanamaki’s eyes and Matsukawa open his mouth to say something but closed it right away. Oikawa felt cold, like the room was freezing, his hands were numb by now, he couldn’t feel his fingertips and he felt like his legs were about to give out.

“You- but… but you’ve always liked girls?” – Question like this coming out from Matsukawa’s mouth was stupid because he went through the same thing not very long ago. Just because someone has liked or has been in relationship with opposite gender it didn’t mean that they were not gay, it just took time to figure everything out. As soon as those words left Matsukawa’s mouth, he regretted it because of reaction Oikawa had.

“I know. I still do! but I… I also feel like I feel the same way towards boys too… I don’t know what to do, who does this even mean?” – Oikawa said and wrapped his trembling arms around himself, trying his best to slow down his quick breathing.

“I mean… Bisexuality, I guess?” – Hanamaki said while playing with shirt.

“Not helping.” – Matsukawa placed his hand on Hanamaki’s shoulder and whispered in his ear, breaking eye contact with Oikawa just for few seconds. Then moving closer to Oikawa and taking his hand, leading him towards the bed because he knew how _terrifying_ this whole situation was – especially for Oikawa, it was probably hundred times worse. – “Hey, Tooru, calm down, it’s okay. God, your hands are freezing.”

“Please tell me this isn’t happening… Now that I said it, it means I actually feel that way towards a _boy,_ I shouldn’t be feeling this way towards Hajime or anyone else who is not a girl.” – Now, Oikawa was close to sobbing and couple didn’t know what to do. They knew why Oikawa was panicking so much unlike them when they realized they liked boys that way – his family. Of course, they were the reason. Of course. – “What is wrong with me…”

“Hey! Tooru, Tooru, look at me! It’s okay! Calm down!” – Matsukawa said loudly and took Oikawa’s face in his hands – who was now a sobbing mess, tearing spilling down from his eyes like a waterfall, short broken sobs leaving his mouth and shaking – to at least try and calm him doing before he could have a panic attack. Hanamaki was standing frozen on the spot, trying to realize everything Oikawa said. – “Nothing, _nothing_ is wrong with you, Oikawa. Never ever dare to think that something is not right with you. It’s okay.”

“No, you don’t get it! If my parents ever find out, they’re going to hate me. I confronted them today, god knows they’re already thinking that I’m-“

“Stop it, Oikawa! They won’t hate you, you’re their son, they love you!”

“I’m the son they expect to get married to a girl who is actually falling in love with his best friend, how is that okay?!” – Oikawa said loudly, freeing himself from Matsukawa’s hold and pressing his palms on his eyes. His breath was steady now and he wasn’t shaky either, which was good, but tears were still coming down from his eyes. – “You don’t get it.”

“We get it better than anything else, Tooru, we went through the same thing. Figuring out who you truly are and then telling it to people… it’s scary, no, it’s terrifying and we know it.”

“No, you don’t understand, not fully. You guys have each other, you have supportive family and you have supportive friends, what do I have?” – Oikawa said and got up from bed, looking down and not making eye contact with them. – “I have most unsupportive family, I’m falling in love with my best friend who has a boyfriend and is happy with him, and I have people hating me for being such a horrible person to them. I’m lonely. Hell, I even outed someone in front of teacher, I don’t blame them for hating me. If my family ever finds out-“  
“They don’t have to find out, you can keep it as a secret before going to college, I know keeping it’ll hard but…” – Hanamaki spoke up, trying to find right words. – “You can tell your sister, you have her, you have me and Issei, whole team loves you Oikawa and so does Hajime. Don’t say you’re lonely when so many people care about you. And even if your parents ever find out, they won’t hate you. Sure, they’ll need time but you’re their son-“

He was interrupted by Oikawa’s bitter chuckle.

“They won’t hate me, huh? Do you want me to quote what my dad said before I came here? “They’re freaks. They do need to be fixed, Oikawa, and if they refuse, then they deserve to be killed. We don’t need people like them here, not in this country and especially not in this family, got it?” This is what my parents think. Can you still tell me they won’t hate me if they find out? Fact that I’m their son doesn’t change anything. Their hatred towards people like yo… _me_ is stronger than their love towards their child.”

***

It has been six months since Oikawa figured something about himself that was very hard to keep as a secret, especially from his family. Every time they said something horrible while Oikawa was around them, he wanted nothing more than to tell them in the face that he was in love with a boy – Iwaizumi more specifically. But he never did because he knew it would get himself kicked out from the house and he didn’t want that. He also didn’t want to lose his family even after everything they did.

Sometimes, when his own thoughts weren’t letting him fall asleep, he’d just stare up at the ceiling and think about how he wished he was not the way he was. And then he felt bad for some weird reason, but he couldn’t help but think that his life would be so much easier if his mind didn’t decide to show him that deep down in his heart, his love towards Iwaizumi was not just friendly one, it was something bigger and stronger.

Oikawa wished he was brave enough to tell Iwaizumi about his feelings. What was the point of having such a strong feeling towards him if Iwaizumi never knew about it? Sometimes, he picked up his phone and typed out what he wanted to say to him, but he never sent it because his brain always reminded him how much he would lose if he did it.

So, he decided it would be for the best if Iwaizumi didn’t find out about it.

However, other than that he knew that Oikawa figured out that he was bisexual. He told him four of five days later after he told his sister. He still had no idea how he got the courage to do so, but one day he told her when he was in her room, watching her choosing her outfit to go somewhere. She almost dropped the shirt she was holding, turned around and looked at him with shocked expression on her face. There was only one thing she asked him after few minutes of silence.

"How do you know that you're bisexual when you've never been with a boy before?" – Oikawa got up from the chair, let out a small chuckle and started walking towards the door, but before he left the room, she looked at her over his shoulder.

"How do you know you're straight when you've never been with a girl?" – He answered her question with a question and added. – “And, do me a favor, don’t tell our parents about this if you don’t want them to kick me out from the house. I told you this because I could always see in your eyes that you never agreed with everything they said.”

“Hey, Tooru… Are you okay?” – Matsukawa said as soon as Oikawa walked in the class. He nodded while covering his mouth with his hand as he yawned and went to sit down next to his friend. – “Are you sure? You look like you haven’t slept for ages.”

“My parents were fighting last night about something stupid and they didn’t stop till 4 am, I think my father left house because when I woke up, he wasn’t there. Then my mom yelled at me for nothing, well, because she was angry and I was only one in the house she could take out her anger on.” – Oikawa said and put his head on the table. Matsukawa and Hanamaki weren’t saying anything for few minutes and it pissed off Oikawa a little bit. – “Stop acting like someone died, please. Family issues is nothing new for me and both of you know that. I appreciate being worried about me, though.”

“Hey, did I miss anything? Sorry I’m late, well, Semi was late to come to my house.” – Iwaizumi said as soon as he walked closed to them and Oikawa tried his best to not roll eyes when he mentioned his boyfriend’s name. Of course, couple noticed that and Iwaizumi looked at them with confused face. – “Is everything okay?”

“Family drama, nothing new.” – Iwaizumi opened his mouth to say something like “I’m sorry” but Oikawa didn’t want to hear apologized from people that had nothing to apologize for, so he interrupted by raising his hand to stop him and spoke up again. – “I wish I could get distracted for a while. Plus, now that we have one week off from school soon, I don’t even want to think about how I can survive at home without getting yelled at.”

“Well, I don’t know how I can help you for a week, however…”

“One boy from class next to ours told me he’s going to throw a small party tonight; do you want to go?” – Hanamaki interrupted, getting slap in the back of his head from Matsukawa.

“You know that my mom doesn’t let me go to parties.” – Oikawa answered.

“God, I feel like you’re living in prison-“

“I am.”

“Just, lock the door of you room and sneak out, you’ll be back by morning.”

“She doesn’t let me lock the door of my room at night.” – Hanamaki couldn’t stop himself from banging his head on the wooden surface of desk because of Oikawa’s answer.

“Tell her you’re staying with me, then we can leave from window of my room.” – Iwaizumi spoke up after few minutes of silence. Matsukawa and Hanamaki looked at each other and then facepalmed at the same time.

“You both are 18 and your parents still act like you’re a baby, Tooru.”

“Jokes on you, these past few days they’ve been acting like they wish I was never born.” – Oikawa said with sarcastic smirk on his face that wasn’t mean for his friends. Iwaizumi opened his mouth to say something but he was interrupted by teacher walking in the class.

***

“Tooru, shut up.” – Iwaizumi said quietly as Oikawa continued talking some random things out loud. It was almost five am and Iwaizumi wanted everything else but to wake his mother up. He was trying to open the front door as quietly as he could while also holding Oikawa with his left hand so he wouldn’t fall on the ground. – “Why did I let you drink…”

“Because you knew I needed to drown my feelings in it.” – Oikawa said messily and let out a small chuckle, placing his head on Iwaizumi’s shoulder and sighing out sadly. Iwaizumi rolled his eyes and tightened his grip on Oikawa’s waist as he finally managed to open the door, telling Oikawa to keep his voice down till they got to his room.

“Ohh you want me to be loud in there?” – Oikawa looked up at him with cocky smirk and Iwaizumi felt how his whole face heated up when he realized how his sentence sounded. Somehow, he managed to drag Oikawa who was half asleep on his shoulder to his room and close the door, then pushing Oikawa on the bed who fell backwards as soon as he sat down, letting out a small yelp before giggling while covering his face with his hands.

“You’re pretty...” – Oikawa said after removing his hands from his face, looking at Iwaizumi with innocent eyes, who just took a deep breathe and smiled.

“Thank y-“

“Pretty hot.” – He finished with wink, causing Iwaizumi to blush even more.

“T-that’s sweet, but I really wish you were sober right now.” – Iwaizumi sighed out, getting small pout from Oikawa and leaned forward, taking his friend’s hand in his and making him sit up again. Oikawa let out a loud groan as Iwaizumi kneeled in front of him, taking the hem of his shirt in his hands. – “Stop making such lewd sounds, Oikawa!”

“Already taking off my clothes, god, at least take me out for the dinner first.” – Oikawa said and suddenly, his face was very close to Iwaizumi’s and room felt hotter. Iwaizumi tried to put little distance between them but Oikawa placed his forehead against his and tightened his grip on Iwaizumi’s bicep, not letting him move away from him.

Iwaizumi was about to say something insulting but words died in his throat as soon as he noticed that Oikawa’s eyes started to get watery and he started to tremble uncontrollably.

“Please don’t leave me.” – Oikawa let out a broken sob.

“What are you talking about, I’m not going anywhere… Hey, look at me.” – Iwaizumi said as he took Oikawa’s shaky hand in his own and made him look at Iwaizumi in the eyes.

“I-I’m sorry… I’m sorry… I-I tried not to… I’m tired of pretending to be tough, I’m sorry.” – Oikawa was sobbing mess at this point and Iwaizumi was confused, very confused because he couldn’t understand what was happening. He didn’t know how to calm Oikawa down and how to make him believe that everything was okay when he couldn’t understand what was going on. – “I-I just want… I just want to be loved by you, am I asking for too much?”

That sentence clicked something in Iwaizumi’s mind, and he froze on the spot. He was trying his best not to jump into conclusions, not when something was as serious as this. He tried to convince himself that what he was thinking was not true, that it wasn’t actually what was happening. He didn’t want it to be. Because he didn’t want to hurt Oikawa.

“Tooru, you _are_ loved by me. I love you so much…” – Oikawa knew that. He knew Iwaizumi loved him – it was as clear as crystal. He has never doubted Iwaizumi’s love towards him but that wasn’t the love Oikawa wanted – _needed_ – from him. That was friendly love.

Oikawa’s feelings for Iwaizumi were totally different. They were what Iwaizumi was feeling towards Semi, and that broke Oikawa’s heart and tore him apart from the inside.

“No, no, you don’t get it. I don’t mean it like that.” – Oikawa whispered out, tear escaping from the corner of his eye and dropping on Iwaizumi’s hand. God, he had so much to lose, was this worth it? Was this worth losing everything? Losing Iwaizumi? – “I’m in love with you. I’ve been for months already… I’m sorry, I-I tired not to but… I couldn’t-“

Iwaizumi’s breath was stuck in his throat and he felt like his legs were frozen on the floor. Oikawa in front of him was still sobbing mess – the tears were coming down from his red and swollen eyes like a waterfall, his cheeks were flushed and wet – Iwaizumi hated seeing him like this. Despite the fact that he was drunk out from his mind and his heart was _aching_ , Oikawa knew that he was going to regret this more than anything tomorrow morning. He let out a small whimper and removed his forehead from Iwaizumi’s, now placing his head on his shoulder and pulling him closer, needing to be closer to him as he thought of impossible idea that maybe Iwaizumi loved him back that way. It made him smile sadly.

“Please love me back the way I love you… Please that’s all I’m asking for… Just love me the way you love Semi… P-please…” – Oikawa whispered out. Iwaizumi felt how his shirt started to get wet from his friend’s tears. He took a deep breath and placed his hand on Oikawa’s back to at least try and comfort him.

It was impossible. What Oikawa was asking him was impossible. He didn’t feel that way towards him anymore, but he did with Semi and he was happy with his boyfriend. He couldn’t force himself to get back the feelings he had for Oikawa while ago.

Iwaizumi’s eyes started to water as well when he put his hand on Oikawa’s cheek, making him remove his face from Iwaizumi’s shoulder and look him in the eyes. This was going to hurt. It was going to hurt both Oikawa _and_ Iwaizumi but he couldn’t lie to him. Not about something like this. He had to tell him the truth, even if it broke Oikawa’s heart even more.

“Tooru… I’m sorry… I don’t feel the same for you.” – Iwaizumi choked out and felt tear escaping his eyes as well when Oikawa murmured something under his breath as he tightened his grip around his body and closed his eyes.

It wasn’t like he wasn’t expecting those words from Iwaizumi, of course, he did. Yet, it didn’t mean that actually hearing them didn’t hurt. It hurt like nothing else before. He couldn’t even describe it.

He felt like someone was squeezing his heart with full force and was also covering it with thousand paper cuts. It was almost unbearable.

“Why can’t you leave him? Why can’t you love me instead of him? What does he have that I don’t? What can I do for you to love me like that? Just tell me, Iwaizumi. Tell me and I’ll do it. I’ll do anything for you to love me back. Why can’t you love me back?!” – Oikawa didn’t plan on saying all of these out loud but before he could stop himself, words flew right out from his mouth. And every single word went like a dagger straight in Iwaizumi’s heart.

Iwaizumi opened his mouth to answer, but of course he didn’t have answer to those questions. The answers were either what Oikawa wanted to hear or what he did not want to. Oikawa was already little bit sober, so he let out a small bitter chuckle and moved away from Iwaizumi, getting up from the bed, whispering that he needed to go home.

“Tooru, don’t go…” – Iwaizumi said and got on his feet as well, grabbing Oikawa’s wrist before he could take a step forward and walk out from the room. Oikawa stopped as soon as Iwaizumi spoke up and after few seconds of silence, he turned around, looking at Iwaizumi through the tears in his eyes. Then he took a step closer to him again, placing his hand on Iwaizumi’s cheek when they were close enough.

“Kiss me… please…” – This was what Oikawa whispered out with low, broken voice. He knew very well that this was another impossible thing that he was asking for.

“You know I can’t do that…” – Another answer Oikawa knew was coming but that didn’t make it less painful as he heard it. He nodded as he sniffled and took a step back, making Iwaizumi let go of his wrist while drying his eyes with the sleeve of his shirt.

“It’s okay, I understand.” – It wasn’t okay. It was so fucking painful.

“Tooru-“ – Iwaizumi said but Oikawa was already out from his room, quickly walking towards the front door as he tried to stop tears from falling down again. He felt numb. He couldn’t feel his own hands and he felt like he was freezing. He just wanted to go home.

But he didn’t know where or what was his home. Because, god damn it, the place he was living is sure wasn’t home and now neither was Iwaizumi. Oikawa felt lost. He just wanted to bury his face in his pillow and scream till his voice disappeared. 

He didn’t even remember how he managed to get inside his room without waking his mother up – he had no idea if his father even was at home. He quickly locked the door of his room, not caring if he’d get yelled at because of it in the morning. He just wanted to cry.

_“Tooru… I’m sorry… I don’t feel the same for you.”_

Iwaizumi’s words came floating back in his mind as he buried his face in the pillow and let out a scream, followed by a broken sob, tears started wetting the pillow but he didn’t care.

Maybe he deserved all of this. Maybe after everything he did to boys and girls at his school who only wanted to be their true selves, this was the way of him paying the price.

However…

Maybe one day he’d truly be happy.

Maybe one day he’d be able to get away from his family.

Maybe one day he’d become professional volleyball player.

Maybe one day he’d find someone that would truly love him.

Maybe one day he’d find the person that would accept Oikawa despite his flaws.

The person that would be in love with Oikawa and Oikawa would be in love with them too.

But that person was not Iwaizumi.

He was in love with someone else and Oikawa had to move on from him.

No matter how much it would hurt, he had to.

**Author's Note:**

> this fanfic really means so much to me because lot of things - almost everything - what oikawa went through in here is something that happened to me, of course i added and took out some parts but still. especially the dinner scene - my dad actually said that and as a person who is part of lgbtq+ community it took me every amount of self-control not to cry right there but it's in the past now. also getting rejected, family issues, coming out parts so yeah. i hate talking about my feelings so writing everything down like this was very helpful. thank u if you read this far and... i'm sorry


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